Sometimes life just wears you done to the core.  Right now is one of these moments.  I have so much that is happening at super-sonic speed.  Between the daily therapies for my son, getting ready for my husband’s deployment and full time college I really have no time for myself. We cannot forget that I am trying to lose weight on top of that.  I am just mentally and physically exhausted. 

                Today at church I really got to thinking about how I am just to do this all myself.  I realized that I have to let go of my control freak ways and give them to God.  Easier said to done with you are a control freak right.   Right now my favorite song is He said by Group 1 Crew featuring Chris August.  Every time I listen to this one verse it is like God is speaking right to my heart. 

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need
So you ain't gotta worry
You may be knocked down now, but just believe what He said

He said "I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said

Have you ever had this when listening to a song?  I have it all the time because I feel like God speaks to me through music.  I might have a million things going on in my life.   God might let me bend but he will not let me break.  This is the one thing I have to hold on tight in my heart.  The one thing I am going to be doing during this deployment is focusing on my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I am going to let him speak to me and lead me in the direction he has planned for me.  I know this isn’t going to be very easy all the time but faith is everything. 

                I want God to work in my life so that others will take notice and I can be a witness to God’s promises.  By letting go of control I am gaining so much more.  

Thank you

It is so easy to complain about everything that is wrong with our lives, but sometimes just taking a moment to give thanks is so accentual.  Focusing on all the negative can be so exhausting.  Here are some of the reasons I am thankful


1. I have amazing husband who I love with all my heart. 

2.  My son.  I went through so much to have him in my life.  I am so Thankful that God blessed us with his presence. 

3. I am so thankful for all my family that has supportive me during this year.  

4. I am thankful for all my friends that have supported me during my weight loss journey

All these and many more I am so thankful for.  We should take moments like this more often not just because it is Thanksgiving.  It makes life a little sweeter to remember all the good things we have in our life. 

Beautiful, Beautiful.

How do you describe beautiful?  Well Wikipedia say "Beautiful is an adjective used to describe things as possessing beauty."  You can see beautiful from a dew drop on a rose to the first breath of a new baby.  But, beauty can vary from person to person.  In today's society we are made to believe we are not beautiful if we do not look like super models.  But, how right is that. 

It's not but that is what we are made to believe from a young age.  Girls are trying to grow up to fast now a days because they are told they have to from the media.  Girls are starving themselves because they don't feel like they are going to fit in if they are a pound overweight.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  I am guilty of this myself.  I look in the mirror and I do what the world says about me.  Disgust.  This is not how God wants me to feel about myself or anyone else for that fact. 

But, what if we stopped focusing on what the world thinks and start seeing ourselves the way that God sees us.  How would we feel about ourselves then?  God made each and everyone of us the way we are for a reason.  I want to be beautiful in God's eyes.  I want Him to smile when he looks upon me.  The way to do that is to keep your eyes and heart on the Lord.  I am so thankful he gave his one and only Son to save a sinner like me.  How can I not feel special for that.  He laid his life down for me.  In return I look at myself with disgust.  I really find that to be a slap in the face, and I never intended for that to happen. 

I am casting all my cares about the Lord, and starting a new.  I will not look at myself in disgust, but as the beautiful woman he has made me inside and out.  It is our time to make the world see that we don't have to be a size 2 to be beautiful.  Beauty starts from within.  We need to let that beauty shine for all to see.  We might not be able to change what the world thinks, but by living as an example we can at least start to help at least one other person.  That is where it starts.  How do you feel about yourself today? 

Fun in the Sun

Today my husband and I decided to go to the beach.  We go often, but is normally to just walk.  But, today we figured we would take Landon into the ocean for the first time.  It was so much fun.  He was intrigued by the sand.  Dry Sand or Wet Sand he didn't care.  All he knew was it was something new to play with.  Like everything he wanted to put it in his mouth.  We spent about 30 minutes letting him play in the sand.

But, then we decided it was time to try out the water.  At first we just sat him down where the water came up really slow.  It would come up and touch his legs.  He seemed to like that.  So after that we decided that Matt would pick him up and take him in a little further.  This was a big mistake.  I am not sure if it was the temp of the water or the waves, but he did not like it. 

Today was a great family day.  Sometimes you need days like this to remember how blessed we truly are.  I love experiencing all these new things with Landon.  Just seeing it all through my new Mommy eyes is just simply amazing. 

Do you ever wonder if you are making the right decision?  Especially, when you have more than one that could be right.  Everyone will give you what they think you should do, but you know you can't always listen to others.  Well, that is me right now.

Today I went and saw a Weight loss surgeon.  He gave me my options, and to be honest I didn't like what he told me.   I was thinking about getting the Lap-band surgery done, but he was trying to talk me into gastric bypass.  But, I don't want that.  I have so much going through my head because in my heart I know I do not want gastric bypass.  I know it could be unhealthy in future pregnancies.

So do I go through the process of getting qualified, and that can take months.  This does make sense, but can I do this without it.  The answer is yes, but I will have to lean on God more than ever for this journey.  Right now I feel so lost, and alone.  Even though there are people around me, and supporting me.  I feel like I am in this dark tunnel and I can't see the light at the end.  How do you find your way when it is completely pitched black darkness around you.  This is the time I need to lean on God and let him carry me.  I need to have faith in my heavenly father.  It is said in the bible "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13.

I want to feel like I am strong.  I want to be the best mommy to my son and the best wife to my husband.  Choices, choices, and CHOICES.  That is what is on my mind today.  

Losing weight and taking your life back

So I have been on my weight loss journey now for the last 7 1/2 months.  As of today I have lost 100 lbs.  I know I have a long way to go until my final goal, but I am already noticing changes.  I never thought that I would change during this.  I thought it was "I'll lose it, and feel nothing" kind of like I did in the past. 

But, this time it has been different.  It is the little things that are now making this time the right time.  I never thought I would look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman.  But, WOW I am beautiful.  That feels good to say.  Every day I try and say 5 things that I like about myself.

1. I have beautiful eyes
2. I have a great smile
3. I am a very caring person and love to help others.
4. I am a good listener
5. I am a great mother. 

I have found out that I am stronger than I once thought.  I have gained and lost weight so many times.  Every time I would get to a plateau I would just give up.  This time when I hit it I just kept reaching for my target.  I would give up because it got to hard, it was painful, or I was tired.  But, not this time.  I pushed and pushed every day to get at least 30 to 60 minutes of exercise.  That pain that use to make me weak has now made me stronger.

I was so scared to walk into the gym or just anywhere for that fact because how big I was.  I was so scared and felt weak at what others thought about my weight.  I use to walk with my head down, and looking at the ground.  But, now I am starting to walk into a room, and actually hold my head up.  I know I am still a big girl, but who can say they have lost 100 lbs.  I can, and I am PROUD.  I need to walk with my head high because I am worth it.  I deserve it, and I will get it.

All of this is just the beginning of my life.  I have wasted way to much of it feeling sorry for myself.  Everyday is a new day, and we have a choice to make it what we want it to be.  I choose to be happy.                                                  

Starting over

Starting over is always hard to do.  But, admitting that you messed up is even harder.  Well, for the past 2 weeks that is exactly what I have done.  I have messed up over and over and over and over again.  I seem to be really good at that when I start to do really good.  It is almost like I am trying to sabotage my own efforts.  I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.  One day I am super motivated, and the next I'm down in the dumps eating everything in sight. 

But, I want to start over.  I want to win this battle that I have been fighting deep down within.  I want to feel good about myself for once in my life.  Starting over is so hard to do.  Where do I begin, and what should I do?  These are the things that I am asking myself.

Well, the first place is to forgive myself for what I did.  Week ago, yesterday and even today is going to have to be my past.  I need to stop beating myself up day after day for what I have done in the past.  Let's put it this way this is definitely not going to be easy.

Second, is I need to make realistic goals for myself.  Instead of making my goal for 5-7 lbs a week or even secretly wishing for 5-7 lbs a week.  I should make my goal for 1-2 lbs a week.  Now that is a goal that is realistic and attainable.  I had made a goal to be 152 lbs lighter by the Marine Ball which is in Nov.  That goal is just way to high for me to reach for.   So I am going to make my goal for 29-59 lbs before then.  That is 1-2 lbs a week.  If I lose more than that GREAT, but if not I will not beat myself up.

Third, I need to make a no-fail environment.   This is the hard part because I hate to through my junk food away.  But, I am going to have to not buy it.  Out of sight out of mind that is the phase.  But, is it seriously out of your mind.  Absolutely not.  I think about it all the time, and it makes it so hard.  I need to learn to redirect my thoughts of food and to control them.  Plus, I need to learn how to change my thoughts about myself.  Especially the negative ones.  I have so many negative thoughts about my weight or my appearance. 

This is going to be a difficult journey that I am going to be on.  I need to take one step at a time.  To be completely honest with myself.  I think to learn to be honest with myself I am going to start and take pictures of everything I eat for 30 days.  Then, I will post them online.

Well, here is to a new start.